the only way to really get started is to start from behind

there is so much to a beginning. the exodus makes sense — the pieces are all on the board. but its origin is forever questionable. how does any destiny “begin”?

it’s that feeling when you want to push yourself to do more. when the little and big responsibilities aren’t a burden, but a necessity to move forward. once you are elevated to a plane of purpose and your passion is an undercurrent instead of a wave, that’s when you’ve truly begun.

soon afterwards though, we start to look around. in one delicate moment, we see how far we still have to go.

do not let this deter you, for the only way to really get started is to start from behind.

to ground this, i’ll share my recent experience with music. i was writing soft, indie rap songs with only piano and drums. they were fine. down to earth but deep below where the molten nickel stirs.

then i discovered Scarlxrd. if you don’t know who my favorite artist is, you should look him up. it’s a little on the hard side of the spectrum (screaming hip-hop) and that’s what reeled me in without resistance — the resonating pain. this led to similar artists like Ghostemane and $uicideBoy$. i also recommend a casual browse among their work if you can spare the time.

all of a sudden, the soft indie rap didn’t have the same intensity, literally and figuratively. so i took a couple weeks off and didn’t feel like i was missing much (rare for me to avoid the onslaught of guilt from not working hard enough toward a future i constantly crave to taste). i was about to make a significant pivot in my amateur’s amateur music career.

so i went back to my beat-making software Auxy and was struck by the potential of my previous beats. it wasn’t simply that they were functional. the expression of pain simmered similar to Scarlxrd, Ghostemane, and $uicideBoy$. and i wanted to make them boil.

this is that moment i spoke of above. for the next week, i produced three (screaming hip-hop) songs. quantity aside, they energized me. insecurities fell behind this new expression because it felt like me. it sounded like me. it reflected no image, but pure being.

it’s an emotional experience to watch yourself act in harmony. to be aware that you’re being directed by your subconscious and you actually understand its script.

i compare this euphoric drive to starting from behind because of its urgency. if you feel rushed, like the actions in your purview are hoarding all gigabytes of RAM, that’s starting from behind. but when it’s simultaneously felt with a rich sense of fulfillment, that’s exercising destiny.

i do hope this helps you pursue the wafting hints of your own destiny if you haven’t already sensed it. i cannot explain my impending, fateful pursuits with words. however, i can live them. and we took our first deep breath this week.

– D K T



life ends. why pretend

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